I like to think of myself as a relatively open-minded person. I really do. I try not to engage in petty stereotyping; I make an effort to give people the benefit of the doubt. I even try to check the inevitable feelings of rage that arise when a small child is shrieking in my subway car and the train is delayed in the tunnel for 15 minutes (Yeah, that happened. I was damn near saintly).
However, after years of careful observation, I have come to the conclusion there are times when some people simply deserve to be judged. There are people who exhibit behavior of such abominable sub-human standards that no reasonable human being could ever look them in the eye and not let out a heartfelt “what the hell?
So this one’s for you, the sick executors of societal chaos. Don’t say I never warned you. If any of the following activities seem well within the realm of what you consider acceptable day-to-day behavior, please know that I WILL judge you. Brace yourselves for the full wrath of my raised eyebrow:
1. If you sing in public. While wearing headphones.
I will never understand. Do you not know you’re singing aloud? Do you think those earbuds cast a magical noise-cancelling force field around your mouth? Or do you think you actually sound like Adele, and are therefore gifting us with this questionable display of talent? News flash: This is New York; even Adele wouldn’t impress us during rush hour on the E train.
2. If you’re a lame tipper.
Factor the extra 20% into the cost of your dinner. You work hard for your money, and guess what? Servers do, too. And they work for tips. So pay them when they’re working for you.
3. If you’re “just, like, not really a dog person.”
Stop. Just…stop. Look at this face. You’re a terrible human being.
4. If you are readingof ANYTHING in paperback anywhere beyond the privacy of your own home.
Have some shame. Some books are meant to be enjoyed electronically. Don’t get me wrong, I will judge your choice of literature no matter how you access it…but in this case, it’s really all about the medium. Maintain appearances, people.
And last, but most certainly not least:
5. Two words…Vocal. Fry.
So, good people of the world, now you know.
Please, help me help you. I don’t want to have to be this way.
Feeling judgmental? Get it out of your system, and into
the comments below! Let me know what raises your eyebrow!